You've prayed about it, you've talked it through, and the two of you are sure. You want to elope. Now comes the part a lot of Christian couples dread: figuring out how to tell your parents you're eloping, especially when they love Jesus too and always pictured a church full of people.
We're Brandon and Aby, a husband-and-wife photo and video team. We're one of the few who come along on elopements, and sometimes it's just the two of us and the two of you out there. For a lot of couples, this conversation is the hardest part of eloping. This guide walks through what Scripture asks of you here, when and how to tell them, what to actually say, and how to bring your family into a day they won't be standing at.
If you're still settling whether eloping is okay for a Christian couple at all, start with Is Eloping a Sin? What the Bible Says About a Christian Elopement. This post picks up with the conversation that comes next. It's part of our Christian wedding and elopement guide.
What Honoring Your Parents Means When You're Getting Married
Most Christian couples think of this commandment first:
"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you."
Exodus 20:12 (NIV)
It's easy to read "honor" and hear "do whatever they want." Scripture draws a line between the two. Paul writes, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" (Ephesians 6:1), and most Christian teachers read that obedience as belonging to childhood. Marriage makes the change complete. The Bible's very first word on marriage says a man "leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife" (Genesis 2:24).
Evangelical teachers broadly agree on this. GotQuestions says: "According to Genesis 2:24, when we step into marriage, we walk out from under the authority of our parents." It adds that "the Bible calls adult believers to honor and respect their parents." Writing for Crossway, Chad and Emily Van Dixhoorn say, "Honoring parents is not just for children. It is for adults too," and describe what that looks like for a married couple: "We'll seriously consider their advice, even if we decide not to follow it."
So honoring your parents through this looks like:
- They hear it from you, early, with kindness.
- You genuinely listen to what they say and take it seriously.
- You speak about them and to them with respect, even if they're upset.
- You make room for them in your marriage and in how you celebrate it.
Honoring them shapes how you carry a decision that belongs to the two of you.
The Real Concern Is Secrecy
If you've read Christian answers about eloping, you've probably noticed their concern is almost always about hiding it, with little said about the size of the day. The WELS (Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod) answer on eloping says where and by whom you get married "is fully in the realm of Christian freedom," and then asks the question that matters: "Are they honoring their parents or hiding something from them?"
NeverThirsty, which strongly discourages eloping in the old sense of running off without parental approval, says adults are free to marry in a formal or informal wedding and concludes: "The biblical principle in getting married is to seek parental approval when possible."
An elopement that's honest, legal and shared ahead of time with the people who love you answers the secrecy concern and gives your parents a real chance to weigh in. What you're planning is a small, holy ceremony your family knows about ahead of time.
Scripture also gives you a reason to bring your parents into the planning, whether or not they end up agreeing:
"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."
Proverbs 15:22 (NIV)
Your parents have known you longer than anyone. Their counsel is worth hearing, even when the final call is yours.
When and How to Tell Them
Tell them before
General wedding advice is split on this. Some planners say to tell family right after the ceremony and celebrate the news together. For a Christian couple, we'd say tell them before. The biggest worry Christian teachers raise is secrecy, and telling your parents ahead of time answers that concern. It also gives them time to process, to pray, and to get excited with you instead of finding out after the fact. If you're still deciding, bring them in now, while their counsel can still shape the plan.
How far ahead depends on your family. Early enough that it doesn't feel like a last-minute announcement, and early enough to include them in the ways we'll get to below.
Tell them yourselves, in person or on a call
This is the one thing nearly every source agrees on. Sit down with them, or call if they live far away. Don't text it, and don't let them hear it from a sibling or a social media post. A conversation like this deserves your voice and your face.
Tell both families the same way
If one set of parents gets a dinner and the other gets a phone call a week later, that difference will be felt. Tell both families around the same time, in the same way, so nobody feels ranked.
Go together, and pray first
Have the conversation as a couple, so your parents see that this is a decision you made together. Pray before you go, for wisdom, for gentle words and for your parents' hearts. Then let the person whose parents they are take the lead.
What to Say
Scripture has a lot to say about how to speak in a conversation like this:
"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone."
Colossians 4:6 (NIV)
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..."
James 1:19 (NIV)
A simple shape for the conversation:
- Start with joy. Lead with how happy you are and how much they mean to you.
- Share your why. Tell them what you want your wedding to be about. For a lot of Christian couples, it's wanting the vows to be fully about God and each other.
- Name their fear out loud. They may worry they're being shut out. Tell them, in your own words, that you want them in your marriage and in the celebration.
- Ask for their blessing. The decision is made, and their blessing on what God is doing in your life still means a great deal.
- Then listen. Let them react. Don't defend every point in the moment.
Here's what that might sound like. Change every word to sound like you:
"Mom, Dad, we wanted to tell you something in person because you matter so much to us. We've decided to elope. We've prayed about it a lot, and we want our wedding day to be really focused on God and on each other. We know you might have pictured something different, and we want you to know we're not leaving you out. We'd love to talk about how you can be part of it, and we'd love to celebrate together when we're home. Would you give us your blessing?"
Not sure where to start?
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If They're Hurt or Upset
They might be. Many parents have pictured your wedding since you were small, and letting go of that picture is a real loss for them, even when they love you and your fiancé. Give them room to feel it.
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)
A few things help:
- Don't try to win the first conversation. Let them have the first reaction. Many parents need a few days of thinking and praying before they can talk it through.
- Ask what matters most to them. Often it's something specific, like seeing you say your vows or celebrating with extended family. Many of those you can still give them.
- Bring in your pastor. A pastor who knows your family can help everyone talk it through.
- Keep the peace you can keep. Paul writes, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18). Whatever they feel, stay gentle and keep the door open.
If, after all of that, they still don't agree, honoring them means treating them with love and respect while you go ahead with the decision you've prayed through. Keep inviting them in. Hurt feelings can soften once there's a wedding video to watch and a celebration to come to.
If your parents are Catholic or Orthodox
Some parents' concerns go deeper than the size of the day. If your family is Catholic or Orthodox, they may worry about whether the marriage will be recognized by their church. If you share that faith, your church has its own requirements, and our Christian elopement guide walks through them. A small church ceremony followed by an adventure session can honor both your parents and your plans.
If your parents don't share your faith
Sometimes the harder conversation is with parents who don't follow Jesus. Words like "covenant" and "before God" may not land for them, and that's okay. Speak in terms they'll understand: you love each other, you're committed for life, and you want the day to be meaningful to the two of you. You can still share that your faith is a big part of the why, gently and without preaching. Honoring them looks the same either way. They hear it from you, you listen, and you find ways to include them.
Ways to Include Your Family
This is where you show your parents, with more than words, that eloping isn't about leaving them out.
- Invite them. Plenty of elopements include parents or a small handful of people. If it fits your day, ask them to come.
- Let them watch live. Video calling family into the ceremony has become common. Test the signal first if you're somewhere remote.
- Ask for a letter. Have your parents write you a blessing and read it during the ceremony or right after. Our Christian elopement ceremony script shows where it fits.
- Ask them to pray over you. In person, by phone, or the night before you leave.
- Give them a role in the planning. Ask for their help with something real, like picking a reading or a hymn.
- Bring the day home. Your wedding video lets them see your faces and hear every word of your vows. We mic every couple so the words come through clean.
- Throw a reception. Elope for the ceremony, then hold a celebration at home for everyone: family, friends, your church. Jesus' first miracle was at a wedding feast in Cana, and the feast still matters. It can just have its own day.
Our Christian elopement guide lays out three ways couples do this, including bringing your pastor up the mountain and holding a small church wedding before an adventure session.
Questions Couples Ask
Should we tell our parents before or after we elope?
General wedding advice is split, but for Christian couples we recommend telling them before. The main concern Christian teachers raise about eloping is secrecy and shutting family out, and telling your parents ahead of time answers it. It also gives them time to process and lets you include them through letters, prayer, a video call or a reception later.
Is it disrespectful to elope as a Christian?
Eloping can be a respectful choice. Many Protestant teachers, like the WELS (a Lutheran church body), treat where you marry and who officiates as a matter of Christian freedom, and Catholic and Orthodox churches have their own requirements. The concern teachers raise is secrecy. Telling your parents yourselves, listening to them, asking for their blessing and including them in the celebration honors them well.
Do we need our parents' blessing to get married?
Their blessing is worth asking for and worth working toward, though most Christian teachers don't read Scripture as requiring it for adults. Genesis 2:24 describes leaving your parents to form a new family, and many Christian teachers say adult children honor their parents without being under their authority. Take their counsel seriously, and talk with your pastor if they object.
What if our parents are upset about us eloping?
Give them time. Let them react without arguing every point, ask what matters most to them, and look for ways to give them some of it, like a letter they write, a video call during the ceremony or a reception at home. A pastor who knows your family can help. Keep loving them while you move forward.
How can parents be part of an elopement?
Parents can come to the ceremony, watch on a video call, write a blessing to read during it, pray over you before you go, or help plan a reading or hymn. Afterward, your wedding video lets them see and hear your vows, and a reception at home gives everyone a chance to celebrate with you.
About the Author
Brandon Krage is the owner and filmmaker behind Motus Weddings, an adventure wedding photography and videography studio based in Bailey, Colorado. Together with his wife and co-owner Aby, he has spent more than six years and 150+ weddings and elopements documenting couples on digital, 35mm film, Super 8mm and 16mm. They married in July 2021. More about Brandon and Aby.
Scripture quotations taken from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.